Ok I'm doing this now so you jerkwads can't say I skipped a week early. The problem is my work computers block Google services like Forms, Sites, and Sheets, so I can't really make any progress during work like I used to, but I usually WFH on Mondays and Fridays so here we are. Also, given that the TNF already happened, I'm skipping trivia this week because it wouldn't really be giving you all enough time to answer it (not that half of you do anyways).

Recaps

Nathan 125.82 - 125.56 Jake (Game Score: 84.9)

Fuck this stupid fucking game dude I cannot talk about the box score, but I will talk about a couple other things.

1. Austin, you see Nathan's team name? That's how you troll someone. Learn from him. Am I furious that the impotent wet rag that is Russell Wilson drove his team into the ground and it cost me the game against Nathan? Yes. But damn I respect the move to name your team after him because of that.
2. This was the smallest margin of victory ever. 0.26 points. Fuck that noise. Three times last year (the first year of fractional scoring) did someone lose by less than one point. Garrett (-0.96 to Ryan), Austin (-0.78 to Collin), and fucking me again losing by 0.66 to fucking John Luke why does the universe do this to me all the time

Austin 132.4 - 116.3 Tyler (76.4)

Damn lol Tyler missed a top 5 score by one spot again. This game is pretty much Al-Queda vs the Taliban. Ideally both of them will just whither away into irrelevancy. Unfortunately Jalen Hurts actually looks like a top-5 QB this year and Mark Andrews ripped a 28 pointer this week. Tmo at least has a promising Saquon and elite WR Ja'Marr Chase to keep his hopes up, but he finds himself in a bad spot with only 2 points after averaging 124.8 PPG through the first three weeks.

Mike 104.68 - 129 Collin (76.1)

Ouch that's a tough drop back to reality Mike. After starting the season perfect, Mike throws up a dud to drop down to 4th place. If there's anyone to blame, its Tyreek Hill, who only managed 5.3 points against the Bills and almost certainly took it out on his wife and kids afterwards. Darren Waller and Miles Sanders didn't really help either, but no one managed to break 20 so it was a team loss. Collin had one low-baller in D'Andre Swift (7.6) but otherwise had a decent game, highlighted by 29 points from Joe Burrow, and Collin comes out of this week as the clear front-runner in the league.

Garrett 99.58 - 138.12 TK (70.2)

TK, not everything is censored. You just have to get creative. Or not, as long as Lamar Jackson is putting up 50 points per game then there's really nothing to worry about. CMC and Chubb combined for another 34.8 points to overcome a weak game from TK's 2nd-round pick Justin Jefferson (4.4). Garrett came in with an already weak team sporting a crippled Justin Herbert (12.58) and what amounts to an empty TE spot, so he was in a bad spot from the get go. He also felt the wrath of Broncos country, only collecting 3.7 from Jerry Jeudy at the flex.

John Luke 113.64 - 89.4 Ryan (49.1)

Even more of a fall from grace than Mike was Ryan. Damn dude. Consecutive 140+ games for your first two weeks to less than 90? That's a steep drop. JL didn't really even do all that great, should have been an easy dub, especially with 32.7 points from Josh Allen (aka over 1/3 of your team this week). But four single-digit games pretty much shut Ryan down this week. 22 points from James Robinson was JL's highlight in an otherwise unimpressive game that featured Tua "TBI" Tagovailoa (who may or may not be actually dead after last night). 49.1 seemed like a pretty low game score, but it was made more clear when I saw that Ryan had 23% efficiency, and John Luke only 43% himself. Poor bench play, the both of you.