Happy Sunday, losers. Did I draft last night? No. Does my team look solid, and will I take credit for it all season? You’re goddamn right I will. Frankly, I blame Austin for picking the time window that featured the only event I value more than fantasy football. It also was totally worth it, and I won’t regret watching that game instead of drafting even once. I will, however, take the blame for trusting Austin to do anything correctly, and scheduling a draft when half the people had to be on their phones and couldn’t zoom in. Nice going, cockwagon.
Ok, let’s get into the draft recaps. Because I wasn’t following it live, I can take an outside perspective and give genuine feedback on how much you all suck.
What’s the point of even drafting dude? Everyone knows you’re going to spend 4+ hours a week listening to podcasts to try and grab cheap waiver wire picks and your drafted lineup will be basically useless. Think I’m exaggerating? Over the last two years Austin has 109 player transactions, or 54.5 per year. The rest of the league’s average over the last two seasons is 17.7 player transactions per year. It’s not even worth grading because his limp dick lineup will look totally different come week 4.
For starters, “Can’t Cum In Her? Kamara” would be a much better spin on your name, but not everyone can have the flawless iambic pentameter writing style of yours truly. Secondly, your team is a very kindergarten team to draft. Kamara won’t be near as productive without Brees keeping the defense on their toes, so it’ll be easier to stack the box and stuff the run. Lamar proved last year that as long as teams actually prepare for him, they can shut him down, and D’Andre Swift is sharing RB duties with like 7 other people. I actually like Stefon Diggs and I really like the Kyle Pitts gamble. Far be it from me to think anyone from UF will be successful but man that dude is an animal. Unfortunately, two okay picks does not a strong team make. C+
Man… I want to like Garrett’s team so bad. Love me some Matty Stafford, and with a team that’s not the Lions he may actually put up good numbers if he can stay healthy between AARP meetings. Saquon is somehow even more of an injury threat than Stafford, but if he’s healthy he’s obviously a monster. Tyreek Hill will either score 40 points or 3, and I like the Chase Edmonds pick as a flex RB in the 6th round. Really Garrett’s entire team is big time boom or bust. As the optimist that’s still riding high off the Georgia win, I’ll give Garrett the benefit of the doubt and assume that his players stay healthy, and award Garrett a solid A- draft grade.
I’m not going to dwell on this for long, because obviously I think my team will be great but I can’t in good faith act like I knew Jeff’s drafting strategy, but I’ll humbly accept an A+ draft grade on behalf of my business associate.
JL my man you better hope that Najee was worth that 2nd round pick you spent on him, because that’s a big gamble for a rookie. Especially when Jonathan Taylor and Antonio Gibson were still available? You’re either a total fool or a secret genius. Tyler Lockett was a solid 3rd rounder and I think the Patrick Mahomes reach was probably a good one. After that I don’t really see much deep potential for your lineup. OBJ hasn’t produced at his all-star level since getting the Cleveland, and the Broncos offense (including Jerry Jeudy and Melvin Gordon) does not inspire confidence. I think an average B grade is warranted here, and I don’t really see JL making the championship this year but he’ll get his fair share of wins.
His hair? Wack. His clothes? Wack. Taking George Kittle in the 3rd round? Wack. Seriously dude everyone knows the only TEs worth taking before round 5 are Waller and Kelce. After that Mike clearly just sorted the remaining field by “age” from highest to lowest and put it on autodraft. Also, Aaron Rodgers going in the 6th round, only to take Herbert in the 8th round seems weird because I feel like Herbert is the better fantasy QB anyways so like…. what’s up with that? Yeah Mike’s team is kind of like JLs, I don’t think it will be bad necessarily, but Mike hasn’t managed to finish above .500 since 2017, including a last place finish in 2019, so unless he gets his act together I just don’t see him as that big of a threat. B-
You know what? Nathan is my sleeper pick for a natty run this year. He’s loaded down with a solid WR corps of Metcalf, Lamb, and Woods, and basically hail-married Joe Burrow as a starter. Austin Ekeler will be fine, so if he can capitalize on the RBs he has (however shallow the team may be) I could see Nathan breaking into the playoffs like he was so close to doing in his debut season, when he went 9-5 with 16 points but fell one point short of 7-7 Ryan. His glaring weakness is the TE situation, which is kind of his own fault for drafting both a defense AND a kicker before picking up Austin Hooper in the 14th round. Because of that, I’m capped at my grading potential for Nathan at B+
You know those players that are due up for a breakout season every year, but never seem to actually breakout? Ryan is familiar with those players, and I think his goal was to target them specifically for his lineup. With the exception of Derrick Henry, and Mike Evans on occasion, his entire starting lineup is a “what-if” lineup. Mixon, McLaurin, Dak, Mark Andrews, all always get attention but never pan out in the long run. Parris Campbell might be a sneaky good last-rounder though, with TY Hilton out Campbell will probably get a lot of snaps. If all of these players finally have their breakout years, Ryan could be a big threat, but more likely they’ll all fizzle out like they do every year, and he’ll finish 7-8. C+ grade.
Mike Davis is the only player keeping me from being a big fan of TK’s lineup. That, and hedging your season on the Vikings offense. But Josh Allen throws 60 times a game, Godwin is a stud, Waller is a stud, and even having Brandin Cooks in the flex is a solid pick. Well done TK, well done. I don’t have too much to pick on here, so I’ll drop an A draft grade and move on to public enemy number one…
Nathan was my sleeper natty pick, Tmo is my sleeper worst-team-in-the-league pick. Chubb splits all carries with Kareem Hunt, particularly red zone carries, which puts a huge dent on his scoring potential. Kelce is a stud but Tmo just doesn’t deserve production from him, and I like to think there’s a force of karma in the universe that will help prevent that. After that his team is just names and college careers. Antonio Brown will def be in jail by week 5, Kyler Murray will have one or two big games, then average around 18 points due to turnovers, and no one can even pronounce Brandon Aiyuk. Tyler might break 5 wins this year, depending on if he gets lucky enough to play someone that forgot to set their lineup. Also I already regret the trophy, because I just know Tmo isn’t going to mail it away when he loses this year and he’ll keep up his personal tradition of killing anything fun. F-
That’s it. Look forward to hearing from you fagaloons again in week 5 when I’m 12 hours late on recaps and Austin sends a snarky email that he thinks is funny.
Over a decade of Fantasy Football, friends from the Apex High Class of 2012 started the league their senior year. 16 members have hit the virtual gridiron over the tenure of the league to earn the coveted title of AFFL Champion