Boys, if you’re one of the piss-poor losers this week (we all know who we are) we should be ashamed in ourselves. This was, for the Original Six members (Garrett, Jake, Tyler, Mike, TK, and John Luke) our 150th game in the league. Should be a big deal right? Well we half of us played like shit, so let's get our acts together.

Before we break into it, here’s a quick video recap of the week.

I mentioned it in the group chat, but Ryan beat a record that had stood since December 8^th, 2014, which is good for 2,479 days as of this morning. Let’s take a look at the state of the world in December 2014:

December 2014

• Barack Obama was halfway through his 2^nd term
• FSU was 13-0 headed into the first ever College Football Playoff
• Amazon stock was hovering around $300/share (it’s currently over $3,400, for you finance-illiterate)
• Austin was a virgin (some things are no different, I suppose)
• ISIS was becoming a pain in everyone’s ass
• All About That Bass by Meghan Trainor was number 2 on the charts, which did NOT inspire hope for the coming years
• The Rams were still in St. Louis

Now unfortunately I cannot access the by-player data on John Luke’s 208-point game that stood as the record for so long, but I can say that it helped propel him to the 4-seed in the playoffs, which would eventually turn into a Money Back Bowl win against Jake, the same guy he put up the 208 points against three weeks prior… Man sometimes doing these newsletters is depressing….. Ryan, however, will have his player performance recorded in my database, so the next time the record is broken (don’t hold your breath) we’ll be able to do a nice comparison. We’ll dive into Ryan’s performance in the recaps, for now let’s get into the action.

Standings

Recaps

Nathan 75 – 143 Collin (Game Score: 60.4)

75 points… ouch. That’s good for Nathan’s second-lowest score in his three-year tenure with the league (he put up 70 points in week 10 last year). 30% of his entire team points game from Austin Ekeler’s 22-point game, and he was hindered by Joe Burrow’s 3 consecutive passes that wound up getting picked off (-9 points in three plays is not a good strategy to win games). Collin, on the other hand, had a very strong week for his second win and a share of 1^st place. Collin’s big stars this week were Lamar Jackson, who earned 33 points leading his team to a big win over Patrick Mahomes and the Chiefs, and Cooper Kupp’s 37-point contribution thanks to 163 yards and a pair of TDs. Even Keenan Allen (14) and Kyle Pitts (12) pulled some of their own weight for some later-round picks. Collin is trying to establish himself as a playoff contender this year, and I for one think it would be very refreshing to see some new faces in the playoffs so I’m all for it.

John Luke 161 – 93 Garrett (65.2)

Ok sorry JL but I have to change paths here for a second. I think this is the year that Garrett can finally get a somewhat productive team of all white people like he tried to in 2012 before he wound up dead over a toilet. Hear me out, this would be a solid team:

• QB: Matthew Stafford
• RB1: CMC
• RB2: Ehh…. Pass
• WR1: Cooper Kupp
• WR2: Adam Thielen
• TE: Travis Kelce
• Flex: George Kittle
• K: Literally any of them

All I’m saying is that it’s possible, and frankly it wouldn’t be a bad team with the exception of there not being one single RB you could put at RB2.

Anyways, JL won thanks to Aaron Jones and his four freaking touchdowns for 40 points, Patrick Mahomes (30) and Tyler Lockett (31). I…. don’t have much else to say about this one…. I feel weird about constructing an all-white team. Like I don’t think its racist per se, but I’m probably crossing into that gray area. Ok moving on.

Jake 109 – 134 Tyler (66.4)

Me after losing both my fantasy games this week

Alright, I can’t make excuses on this one. I just sucked, and Tmo had a good game. After Jake’s only managed 20 points on Thursday with Antonio Gibson, Logan Thomas, and the Washington D, it was pretty much over. DJ Moore and Russell Wilson gained 21 and 28, respectively, but that wasn’t even going to scratch the surface. Tyler already looked like he would be able to win thanks to a 20 point game from the Pats D and 16 more from Nick Chubb my bb, but Sunday afternoon Kyler Murray went off for 40 points thanks to four total TDs and 400 yards passing. That was the nail in the coffin for Jake. Tyler earns his first win this week and Jake falls to 0-2, one of only two players left without a win early in the year. Just put me out of my misery man smh.

Ryan 212 – 108 Mike (72.2)

Before we dive in, I’d be a bad person if I called out Mike for having a dumb team name without also calling out Ryan. Ryan… you don’t have OBJ and it’s not even 2020 anymore you breathing mushroom. Ok, check that off my list, let’s breakdown this game.

Ryan had about the best Thursday possible for a NYG-WFT game. Graham Gano hit five FGs, two for 50+ yards and another for 40+, and earned 22 points to compliment Terry McLaurin’s game. Washington absolutely fed Scary Terry all night with 11 receptions for 107 yards and a score. So yeah, after Thursday his WR2 and K already combined for 49 points. During the 1:00 games, he actually looked like he would come back to earth when Joe Mixon only managed 7 and Ja’Marr Chase had a respectable yet not-stellar 13 points. It was during the 4:00 games where the rocket launched. Brady played a scrimmage against the Wofford School for the Deaf and the Blind, and his 5 TDs and 276 yards were good for 38 points. Two of those scores were to Mike Evans, who finished the game with 24 points, and the Buccs defense committed legally-recognizable assault with 3 picks, two of which were returned for touchdowns on their way to 22 points. The king of the weekend, however, was Derrick Henry, who found the endzone three times during his 182-rushing yard campaign for a stupid 49 points. It wasn’t until Sunday night, however, that Mark Andrews officially sealed the deal with 10 more points to break the record and give Ryan the best game anyone’s ever in this league. Well done, Ryan. Fuck you, but well done.

Austin 118 – 133 TK (81.6)

This one, similar to Jake-Tyler, was just a story of one team outplaying the other. Amari Cooper only gave Austin 5 points, which is disappointing after his big week last week, and Ryan Tannehill only managed 14. CMC looks back into good form, and he earned 24 to pair nicely with Calvin Ridley’s 19, but it just wasn’t enough to keep up with TK’s nice week. With the exception of Brandin Cooks (22), TK actually didn’t even have anyone else break 20 points, but consistent play all around quietly propelled him to 133 points and his second win on the year, putting him in a tie for first, which looks sustainable next week against an 0-2 Mike. I really hope TK puts up like 180 points next week because man it’s funny to watch people just absolutely wreck Mike. Austin, who falls to 1-1, will face Jake next week, and for my personal sanity please god PLEASE let me win because Austin’s won three straight in that series.

Previews

Collin (2-0, 140.0 PPG) – Garrett (1-1, 124.0 PPG)

Series: Collin 2 – 2 Garrett

All-Time Points: Collin 449 – 473 Garrett

Last Meeting: Collin 109 – 139 Garrett

Win Streak: Garrett 1

TK (2-0, 138.5 PPG) – Mike (0-2, 88.5 PPG)

Series: TK 8 – 4 Mike

All-Time Points: TK 1,519 – 1,409 Mike

Last Meeting: TK 145 – 111 Mike

Win Streak: TK 6

Guys Mike hasn’t beaten TK in over 6 years holy shit. Mike’s last win against TK was in Week 1 2015.

Nathan (1-1, 100.0 PPG) – Ryan (1-1, 161.0 PPG)

Series: Nathan 1 – 2 Ryan

All-Time Points: Nathan 331 – 378 Ryan

Last Meeting: Nathan 131 – 83 Ryan

Win Streak: Nathan 1

Austin (1-1, 143.0 PPG) – Jake (0-2, 116.5 PPG)

Series: Austin 9 – 1 – 5 Jake

All-Time Points: Austin 1,824 – 1,617 Jake

Last Meeting: Austin 139 – 86 Jake

Win Streak: Austin 3

Tyler (1-1, 128.5 PPG) – John Luke (1-1, 141.0 PPG)

Series: Tyler 9 – 10 John Luke

All-Time Points: Tyler 2,446 – 2,287 John Luke

Last Meeting: Tyler 108 – 97 John Luke

Win Streak: Tyler 1

Cash money

Ryan more than earned his $10 weekly bonus this week. Hit him with the deposit, JL.

Running Total

Austin: $10

Ryan: $10

Trivia

Last Week’s Trivia

How many seasons (out of 10) has the reigning champion wonhis season opener?

A: Despite Mike’s confident yet incorrect answer, the answer is four. Here they are:

1. Tyler (2012 Champ) beat Juan 178-128 in Week 1 2013
2. Mike (2013 Champ) beat Patrick 146-101 in Week 1 2014
3. Austin (2015 Champ) beat Tyler 111-100 in Week 1 2016
4. Austin (2018 Champ) beat Tyler 105-101 in Week 1 2019

And that’s it! Nice try though Mike, it’s the confidence that will take you places in life. Not anyplace good, but… places.

This Week’s Trivia

Mike is currently averaging 190 points against per game (PAPG), which is fucking hilarious. So here’s a two-parter:

1. Who currently holds the record for highest PAPG for a complete season?
2. How many PAPG did that person have? I’ll give you a buffer of 5