Another year, another draft in the books. I'm seriously enjoying the in-person drafts, and if fuckin NATHAN could get it together we can maybe get a new whole-league pic next year. Speaking of pics, everyone's pictures have been updated. However, I've found that I have to like manually refresh my cache to see the new ones? Not sure, I'm still learning the whole HTML thing, regardless they're up. Nathan, if you want to update yours send me a selfie (you have complete, and I mean
complete creative discretion).
A disclaimer, I will potentially need a little extra time to get the recaps in for the first week. I have to set up an excel macro that generates the CSVs I need to upload onto the website for all the standings/box scores/etc shit to populate automatically, but I need the games to be over to figure out how to do it. So
before you all start bitching at me at like 8am on Tuesday morning, just take a chill pill and focus on like your jobs or families or some shit.
The Recaps
I got some heat on draft night for being "biased" or "giving myself an A+ every year" or whatever else you all unjustly blame me for. First of all, I'm deeply hurt by such baseless accusations. I trust you all know I treat everyone with utmost fairness, respect, and dignity (especially you Tmo you bitch). So, to avoid an further accusations, this year I'm giving the reigns to FantasyPros to do the grading for us.
Collin
FantasyPros Score: 100
Jake's Grade: B
They love Collin yall. A 100? Like yeah Josh Allen is easy QB1 contender, Amon-Ra and Cooper are an elite WR duo, and Achane for a 5th round pick is a steal... but here's what FantasyPros doesn't know. Collin is cursed. Yes that's right, cursed. Collin has gone an incredible 33-12 over the past three years, averaging over 2,000 points per season. But when it comes to the big time, he has gone 2-4 in the playoffs. So it doesn't matter that Collin's bench is rated as the #1 bench according to a bunch of nerds, it doesn't matter that Collin has Tee Higgens, a WR2 for most teams, as a streaming flex option. The fact of the matter is that Collin is cursed and no arbitrary draft grade will help overcome that curse, only pagan sacrifices. So despite the 100, I can't give Collin anything higher than a B.
Austin
FantasyPros Score: 97
Jake's Grade: A
I think you all know how much it pains me to do this. I'd love to give Austin an F, you all know that, but his WRs are the most terrifying lineup I've ever seen. CeeDee, Puka, AND Davante Adams?? With Mahomes slinging the rock to top it all off? Yikes. The glaring weak spot is the RB duo of Josh Jacobs and Rhamondre. They could be good, don't get me wrong, but that's not the strength of this team. Austin will get put to the test early against Tyler, who's always a contender, but yikes Austin looks a little like a buzzsaw early in the season. The A coming from my lips, through my fingers, and onto Austins soft, supple forehead is as sickening for me as it is for you all.
Mike
FantasyPros Score: 88
Jake's Grade: C
Like I
personally love CJ Stroud, I think he's great, but sophomore campaigns can be dicey. Then you have a rookie WR paired up with Michael Pittman makes for a potentally sketchy corps involved with ball-throwing. The upside for Mike is that he's got two RBs that, if they stay healthy and are used appropriately (fuck the Giants), they should rake. Mike's big issue is depth. Keenan Allen? A million years old. Xavier Legette? unintelligible. Nick Chubb? A bionic man that will soon be drafted into the league of orbital drop troopers. Mike is living and dying by his starting lineup, which hey maybe will work just fine, but after last years horrenduous start and hot finish, Mike should maybe get off the roller coaster and find stability.
John Luke
FantasyPros Score: 86
Jake's Grade: D
JL this is bad dude, just bad. How you conned FantasyPros into giving you an 86 is beyond me. Anthony Richardson is completely unproven, Mike Evans is on a decline, your team is basically Christian McCaffrey. CMC is great, don't get me wrong, but after that I just don't see any reliable production from any side of the ball. My bold forecast for John Luke is that he improves from last year's
abysmal 4-11 with 3 Top5s campaign to go 4-11 with 4 Top5s. Without questions 2 of those wins will come against me now that I've made that claim, as is how the monkey's paw curls, but that's just how we go. Soft start to another bad year from John Luke.
Jake
FantasyPros Score: 86
Jake's Grade: A-
You people call me biased. Have you even noticed that I didn't give myself an A+? That's humility, something the rest of you could use a dose of. And I bet you'll get it when TYREEK BUSTS 80-YARDERS ALL OVER YOUR FACES shit boy with Lamar racking up tuddies and Alvin Kamara catching 500 passes there is going to be a CLINIC put on this season. You're first too, Nathan, get ready to taste the salty blast of DJ Moore dancing over the lifeless corpse of Drake London. Also Evan Engram sleeper TE1? Yeah you heard it here first, I just bet our $1000 pool that he'd be over 15 TDs this year. Party on the league's dime in Week 2 when that hits.
Tyler
FantasyPros Score: 86
Jake's Grade: B+
I'm starting to think FantasyPros sort of just defaults to 86? Idk I just think Tmo's team is... boring? Kyler is in timeout for his COD playing so maybe he'll be a real QB this year, DK Metcalf
should be more productive with Tyler Lockett getting less and less involved but that's what everyone said last year. Like yeah Jahmyr and Kyren will probably be fine. Tmo gets a B+ becuase yes I'm sure his team will average around or slightly over 120 PPG, a respectable season, but there's just no WOW factor, you know? I need some pizzazz, some star power. I need some Evan Engram. But yes, Tmo, this is fine.
Nathan
FantasyPros Score: 85
Jake's Grade: D-
HA an 85 what a LOSER imagine getting an 85. I do think Brandon Auyik will be good by like week 4, but he wasn't practicing?? Like no way is that a reliable way to start the year (waiting for him to drop 40 in week 1 against me). Derrick Henry is 30 so like... yeah... and David Montgomery has pretty much never been that great? Not enough to start this year, I'd say. If JJ can be the WR1 he has the potential to be, it could salvage Nathan's season, but if not then I just don't really see many games where Nathan cracks 110 and buddy... you need to start clawing back some of that financial ruin that's befelled you since joining the league (no one look at mine...) D- Nathan, hit the waivers hard in Week 1 and turn this ship around.
Ryan
FantasyPros Score: 84
Jake's Grade: F
Like how do I not give Ryan an F if he managed to score lower than Nathan? I could (and I will for the next two) but I won't. Joe Burrow is one hit away from living out the rest of his life as a string puppet, Bijan Robinson is on a team that would rather lose then give him the ball, Aaron Jones is both injury prone AND somehow on the coaches bad side for getting touches year after year. Rookie WR paired with Waddle, who's in a crowded depth chart, like what is there to like here? George Pickens? The guy with anger issues? The star of Ryan's show is Justin Tucker, and yeah I mean he's elite, of course. Ryan, I decree you failed this draft. You should feel bad.
Garrett
FantasyPros Score: 82
Jake's Grade: A+
I know better than this. Dak was the subject of a lot of scrutiny from me last season and he turned out when it mattered. Fun fact, Dak Prescott has on the roster for the last
three fantasy champions. JT and Joe Mixon in the backfield? Cash. Garrett Wilson and Diggs catching tosses? Cash. Travis Kelce? Cash. Garrett's team is good, hard miss here from FantasyPros. I don't think he'll go back to back, especially not with a hospital for a bench, but he'll do fine. I mean his WR3 is Zay Flowers, an easy WR2 for most teams. Garrett starts the year in a good spot. TK, knock him down a few pegs would you kindly?
TK
FantasyPros Score: 76
Jake's Grade: C
Ok I guess TK has personally wronged the FantasyPros people?? 76 feels almost artificially bad. James Cook and Raachad White are a reliable backfield. Deebo Samuel and Ja'Marr Chase will be a great WR group. Really Tua is a question mark, the man should not be playing football anymore after his fingers went all goofy that one time. I think its going to come down to if Kyle Pitts actually does... anything... and to see what kind of production TK's bench can make. The bench is a real boom or bust setup, which could bode well for TK and propel him to the playoffs, or it could doom him to a last place finish, which is what FantasyPros seems to think.