Boys we are SO back. And a great weekend to start the season that saw three games effectively come down to Monday night, a couple of clinics, and some breakout performances from the expecteds and the unexpecteds (Jaydeen Reed with a 33 spot whaattttt). In case I didn't make a more formal announcement, this year's weekly challenges are published with some fresh new weekly challenges built in. Speaking of challenges, Collin takes home the first payday of the year by winning the top overall score, worth both the weekly payout and the challenge money this week. This is the 2nd time in the last 3 years Collin opens the season as the strongest team.

We continue using the Top5 system, and if the matchups didn't all come down to the wire on Monday night, some Top5s certainly did. Entering the game, Tmo was holding a Top5 spot, but had both TK and Mike clamoring to climb past the 127 mark to secure a perfect week.

Finally, with the new website I have more control over where things are and how they appear on phone/desktop/etc. As of now, the only issue is that the code in the "Next Games" section is pulling the matchups for two weeks out, not one, so ignore those until I get them fixed (e.g. I'm playing Garrett this week, not Tyler) ayee nevermind I fixed that shit boiii. What I don't have, however, is freakin spell check. I'm typing these things up in HTML and if I type a wrod wrogn, there's no red squiggly line or notice. After writing you all a weekly novel, there isn't a chance in hell that I go back and re-read this, so you'll just have to live with it.

King of the Hill

But lets also not forget about the first iteration of our new game, King of the Hill! We won't start until week 2, but I'm going to leave the example picture up for explanatory purposes. So three strikes, and you're out. There are 1-4 strikes assigned per week (see table below). Do we think we can keep that straight?? Odds are low.

Recaps

Austin 104.24 - 126.58 Tyler

This game, one of two that were not just practically but literally decided by Sunday night, was a golf-clap showing for Tmo and a "you suck, jackass!" jeer for Austin. Tyler did fine, AJ Brown (22.9) is going to light up scoreboards this season and while he didn't crack the 130 mark, he had healthy showings and saw promising production from the bench. Austin, victim of an early Puka Nacua injury on Sunday night, begins the season with an inauspicious start. Top draft pick CeeDee Lamb found the ball only 5 times for 61 yards, but threw on an extra 2.5 points off three rushing attempts for an uninspiring 13.6. 2nd pick Davante Adams was even less inspiring in the Raider's dead offense, putting up only 10.9 in the loss. I could keep going, really just a limp dick performance from Austin, who has starting getting a lot more commercials for Hims over the past 48 hours. Enjoy your 0-2 start Austin, you earned it.

John Luke 126.28 - 89.56 Ryan

Ok I take that back, Ryan earned his 0-2 start. Joe Burrow is washed, that's a certified fact at this point, Mark Andrews joined the shitty-TE crusade by only scrounging up 3.4 points, and Marvin Harrison Jr was basically non-existent in front of a QB that threw the ball over 30 times. Ryan did see some good performances from his RB duo that combined for 35 points, but he needs to shape up. Put in Jayden Daniels, especially as long as they let him get the goal line touches instead of fucking Brian Robinson Jr and hit the waivers to scoop up some breakouts. John Luke, well done buddy. After a horrendous 2023 campaign JL comes out hot, 29 from Anthony Richardson, 23 from dinosaur Mike Evans, hell even another 16 from the Saints defense. Great job, lets see if John Luke can get some momentum for a worst-to-first run this year (a feat only accomplished once, there's a trivia question for you!) if CMC can stay healthy (lmao I typed that on Monday morning, no Top5 for JL this week ) and his WR produtivity stays high.

Mike 132.26 - 150.18 Collin

Mike came away with a Top5 score, joining TK in jumping John Luke and Tmo to break into the bonus win range on Monday night. Saquon was an absolute fiend this week in his Eagles debut and CJ Stroud put up a 20-burger, but it just was not enough to keep pace with Collin this week. Don't get me wrong, Mike had a perfectly respectable performance this week, but John Allen breaking the 30 point mark and Cooper Kupp (32) seeing his old production with Puka out was a recipie for success. De'Von Achane also looks like a contender for RB1 with his touch share, and Collin managed 150 points depsite leaving another 30-point performance on the bench in Jayden Reed. Collin takes his league-high score and pits it against the league-low score from Ryan next week, so if we get repeat performances expect Collin to start the season on a strong note.

Nathan 108.52 - 131.62 Jake

Yall I can't pretend like this one doesn't feel good. I needed this to start the year. After having the first four scores of the NFL season go directly against me, I was in dire straights. But one good game from Lamar (28.2) and a Sunday showing from Alvin Kamara (22) set me right, and when Tyreek Hill busted for an 80 yard TD I knew all was finally right with the world, nature was healing. 2nd round pick Chris Olave is officially my least favorite person on God's Green Earth, but the Cowboys D made up for it. Jake starts the season with a win and a Top5, while Nathan does the opposite and continues his overall mediocrity, a trend of his ever since his rookie campaign in 2019 where he came just short of making the playoffs. There were glimpses of hope, like Xavier Worthy putting up 20 and Tony Pollard getting a great share of touches for the Titans, but it wasn't there for Nate this week.

Garrett 137.46 vs 143.92 TK

This was an easy game of the week right here boys. Entering the 4th quarter on Monday night Garrett led TK by 2.4 points, but TK was projected to win by 0.9. Garrett's combined 50 points from Diggs and Joe Mixon looked to be enough to stave off 20-point outings from Tua and Kenneth Walker, but 19 points from Jake Moody through 3 quarters put TK right back in the mix and took the game down to the wire. Deebo Samuel vs Garrett Wilson to lock in the win in a week where both teams would secure Top 5 points. It wound up being the TK show, as an early Deebo catch and run combined with yet ANOTHER FG put the game firmly out of reach for Garrett. The perfect week is big for TK going into a matchup against Tyler this week, while Garrett will face Jake in an early #3 vs #4 matchup to sus out who's the real slim shady.

Are You Better than the Georgia Bulldogs?

How can Georgia fans be even more insufferable, you ask?? Well I'll tell you. I'm going to keep a little running tally of everyone's records against a notional team comprised only of Georgia players. This is a useless, unimpacting thing throughout the season. But I'm going to personally consider it to be a sort of litmus test for teams. Frankly, everyone should beat this every week the lineup won't even have a kicker and the options are limited. This week, for example, everyone came through, 1-0 across the board! But should you lose... you will get an earful for it.

But Jake, we don't want to hear about Georgia! Well guess what chucklefucks, I'm the one typing this shit up at 10PM Monday night, I get to do what I want.