I'm just all of yalls sugar daddy. I'm over here, GRINDIN, flying around the country to do BUSINESS stuff, and I still carve out time (starting my timer on how long this takes me now) (post publishing update: 1 hour and 27 minutes) to deliver my sweet goodness to all of you, you hungry hungry hippos. And even AFTER a disappointing week on my part where my team shat the bed. No need to thank me, I know how deeply and eternally grateful all of you are for my tireless efforts.

Speaking of disappointing... John Luke... buddy... what is going on over there? 54.78 points?? That's the lowest score in SIX YEARS. The last time a score was lower than that, Juan put up 41 in week 11 of 2018, and while I don't have the player data saved from that year to support this hypothesis, I'm willing to bet he was not fielding a full lineup. 54.78?? We'll dive into this soon.

King of the Hill

John Luke you sicken me. Two weeks and two strikes. Ryan... you'd better be glad Tyreek Hill is catching passes from a high school QB or you'd have racked up a strike this week, but I will humbly take that bullet for you.

Recaps

Garrett 130-66 - 54.78 John Luke

John Luke. 54 points earns you a newsletter-long rag fest. You're getting shit in each one of these recaps, so buckle up. First off, Garrett, well done on 130+ and somehow getting the challenge with only 10 points from your defense. Dak (35.86) is continuing to treat you well and Jonathan Taylor (28.5) is thriving under Anthony Richardson. Even Chris Godwin is doing good work for you with Diggs on the bench. Snaps for Garrett, our current king. Ok, crosshairs on John Luke. Since the start of last year you've gone 8-28. I'm getting worried about you. Are you okay?? Your team certainly isn't. "Wahh but I lost CMC and I lost Isiah Pacheco" doesn't matter. You know what winners do John Luke? They do whatever the opposite of what you're doing is. Brock Purdy almost single-handedly outscored your entire starting lineup, from the BENCH John Luke. You could have broken 100 if you'd played him and Dallas Goedert?? You're facing Tmo this week man, I need you to lock in.

TK 125.34 - 81.18 Austin

TK may need to change his icon. He's 4-2, Aaron Rodgers (25.04) looks just fine, and Ja'Marr Chase (29.8) is trying to get back to elite status. Diontae Johnson also looks better under the RED RIFLE ANDY DALTON. TK is a good lineup setting away from having a dangerous team, and he needs it to keep pace in the standings. TK also improves to 10-7 against Austin all-time, snapping a 3-game skid in the series. Austin, well Austin is lucky that John Luke is over there flailing around like a fish on shore. Despite that, Austin is actually below JL in the standings as he sits at 0-6 with bitter rival and devilishly handsome Jake coming to the plate. Rhamondre just couldn't let you enjoy the beach TOO much, A-town. Austin needs to turn the ship around (ideally after this weekend) if he wants to have a shot at the postseason, or it may be a second-straight playoff-less year for him.

Mike 131.3 - 109.66 Ryan

Ughhh please tell me this isn't going to be another Mike season. I've been pretty open about how, despite my lack of hardware, I love how there's been 6 consecutive unique champions. Math tells me that won't last forever, likely not even much longer, but not MIKE. Ryan, you're not doing much to prevent that. Mark Andrews dropping a 0 bomb and Jaylen Waddle facing the same issue as Tyreek Hill doesn't bode well, but he had a flash of greatness from rookie Jayden Daniels who dropped 32 on Monday night. But when Saquon is putting up 35 and Nabers also contributes 28, it's hard to win. Mike actually took home the top score this week, when the average scores were somewhat low. In fact, this week was the lowest scoring week across the league (110.1 PPG) since Week 15 of 2021, where the average score was 106.8. Ryan falls to an abysmal 0-6, including SOMEHOW a loss to John Luke (who is garbage and is averaging 91.5PPG) in week 1, but he has company down there with Austin.

Jake 106.28 - 123.58 Tyler

Fuckin Tyreek bro. Doesn't help that my strange commitment to the Cowboys cost me a Top5 and that the TE situation is a nightmare, but oof Reek I need you buddy. Tmo pretty much iced this one when Jahmyr Gibbs pushed into the endzome in the 4th quarter for his 3rd TD of the day (can't really complain, I had 4 from Kamara last weekend) after DK had an egregious wide-open 71-yard TD. Like just kick me while I'm down why don't you. The win improves Tmo's record against Jake to 11-14 (still got the all time series babbyyyy) and puts Tmo in the drivers seat, near perfect on the year except for missing out on a Top5 in week 1, and he faces a John Luke team that I still don't think I've ragged on enough, so Tmo is sitting pretty. Jake had a speed bump, and while on paper he should take care of Austin, that sneaky little eel always pulls out some bullshit against me.

Collin 116-62 vs 122.04 Nathan

Nathan?? Secretly 4-2 and in the top 4 in scoring so far this year?? After 3 weeks are we seeing the seeds of playoff hopes planted?? It may depend on Jalen Hurts, who's honestly looked kinda shit this year, but Derrick Henry absolutely RAKING and Justin Jefferson delivering that Round 1 value, along with keeper Drake London putting up 18.7, that's a solid showing out there! Plus he's avoided the injury monster so far! Not gonna lie yall, if Nathan wins a championship before I do there's no telling what I would do in retaliation. May shut down the league, who knows. Collin, much like Jake, stumbled after the perfect start to sit in the 4-2 club as well, but he's still got a scary lineup and the hiccup is no reason to worry. Both Collin and Nathan face off against bottom-4 teams this week, so look for them to keep pressure on the league leaders. Fun fact, both of these teams doubled up John Luke this week.

Are You Better than the Georgia Bulldogs?

WOW John Luke and to top this whole debacle off YOU LOST TO THE GEORGIA TEAM. There's a non-zero change you're the only one to stoop that low all year, just let that sink in for a minute. You should hang your head in shame (but also go dawgs big game in Tuscaloosa this weekend).